v1.3 (last commit 2024-07-26T15:36:48+00:00)

Disclaimer: I respect that there are all sorts of unique relationship configurations, like polyamory. This post centers around the more traditional, heteronormative, monogamous dynamic.

I recently heard this concept that you cannot love or be loved without knowing who you are or having a stable identity. Logically, this argument makes complete sense since without a base object reference how can you measure or value another object.

The more I pondered, the more intrigued I became by the potential profound truth in this simple insight. Perhaps a lack of authenticity underlies our societal relational problems: decline of committed marriages, only 17% of marriages are happy, and the overall decline in people not dating altogether. Could authenticity be the key to healthy, successful relationships? This essay explores how authenticity may be the passport to true love.

Authenticity

Authenticity is acting in accordance with one’s true self.

“True Self” is a sense of self based on spontaneous authentic experience and a feeling of being alive, having a real self with little to no contradiction. "False self", by contrast, denotes a sense of self created as a defensive facade, which in extreme cases can leave an individual lacking spontaneity and feeling dead and empty behind an inconsistent and incompetent appearance of being real ~Donald Winnicot (Wikipedia)

True Self

The concept of the true self is deeply personal and unique to each individual. It involves a genuine alignment with one’s values, beliefs, and emotions, free from external influences or societal expectations. According to Rogers (1961), the true self is a congruent state where one's self-concept is in harmony with one's experiences. This authenticity fosters psychological well-being and fulfillment.

Carl Jung (1944) described individuation, the process of discovering one’s true self, as “a most painful procedure to tear off those veils, but each step forward in psychological development means just that, the tearing off of a new veil. We are like onions with many skins, and we have to peel ourselves again and again in order to get at the real core.”

False Self

Inauthenticity manifests as the false self, where individuals either don’t know who they are, merge with the identities of others, often romantic partners, or hide behind masks. Winnicott introduced the concept of the false self, describing it as a protective mechanism developed to cope with external pressures and expectations. This false self leads to a disconnection from one’s true identity, causing emotional distress and dissatisfaction.

Vulnerability is Key to Authenticity

“Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage,” ~Brené Brown

Authenticity requires vulnerability. Being authentic means being honest, genuine, and true to yourself, which is impossible without embracing vulnerability. This requires self-awareness and a deep connection with your true self. Vulnerability fosters connection, signaling trustworthiness and safety to others.

Signs You Are Not Living Authentically

Why should we want to live in accordance with our authentic self? The price of inauthenticity is toxic shame which manifests in various psychological and physical pain and suffering:

• Damaged Relationships: Inauthenticity strains relationships, as it hinders genuine connections. The closer you get to someone, the more a person’s defensive mask will slip. This fear of intimacy looks like self-sabotaging relational behavior (often times unconsciously): push/pull dynamic, playing games, cheating, manipulation, rushing intimacy, etc…
• Chronic Stress & Anxiety: Maintaining a false self results in persistent stress and anxiety.
• Depression: Inauthenticity contributes to feelings of sadness, hopelessness, emptiness, and loneliness.
• Low Self-Esteem: People-pleasing, external validation seeking, withdrawing behaviors are common, driven by a lack of self-worth or toxic shame.
• Physical Illness: Chronic inauthenticity can result in frequent illness due to a weakened immune system struggling with chronic stress. Other physical symptoms include fatigue, headaches, intestinal issues, and high blood pressure.

Increasing awareness of how emotions affect the body and mind has led many with confounding psychosomatic illnesses to seek Gabor Maté's expertise in trauma and emotional suppression. In his book "The Myth of Normal," Maté explains how he observed the link between inauthenticity and its detrimental effect on the body in his medical practice.

“Time after time it was the ‘nice’ people, the ones who compulsively put other’s expectations and needs ahead of their own and who repressed their so-called negative emotions, who showed up with chronic illness in my family practice”

Why It Is So Hard To Be Authentic

Being authentic is challenging due to deep-rooted fears that run counter to your brain’s programming to keep you safe. Below are some common reasons why people struggle with authenticity:

• Childhood Trauma: Early family dynamics often shape our self-concept. Enmeshed family systems or environments that discourage individuality can make it hard to develop a strong sense of self. Inconsistent attachment or abuse often leads to children never developing an authentic self.
• Cultural Pressures: Societal norms and expectations promote conformity and discourage behaviors that deviate from the mainstream, leading to shame and self-suppression.
• Fear of Rejection: Authenticity may lead to criticism, abandonment or rejection by others, including family and friends.
• Internal Conflicts: Identifying and discarding deeply ingrained, unhelpful beliefs is a non-linear and emotionally taxing process, involving significant grief and loneliness.
• Mental Health Issues: Conditions like personality disorders, anxiety and depression can result from or exacerbate inauthentic living, creating a vicious cycle.
• Toxic Shame: Low-self esteem expressed as people pleasing, an excessive need for external validation, etc… can rob people from the grace, strength and fortitude to find their authentic self.

Authenticity and Kindness

Authenticity is not always kind. Being authentic means expressing honest opinions and feelings, even if they aren't always pleasant. Balancing authenticity with empathy and respect is essential for maintaining honesty and kindness in relationships.

True Love

Romantic love is often portrayed as a magical, instantaneous feeling that leads to a happily-ever-after storybook ending. This romanticized view oversimplifies the complex and multifaceted nature of love (Fisher, 2004).

Our concept of real love is often modeled for us by our parents during childhood, reinforcing why we lack a unified definition of real love in relationships. If you grew up in an unhealthy family environment marked by abuse, neglect, or infidelity, you are likely to gravitate towards or recreate these unhealthy dynamics in your own adult relationships, a phenomenon known as repetition compulsion (Kaufman & Zigler, 1987). An often-seen pattern is women who, having grown up with emotionally distant fathers, end up with avoidant and unavailable partners, even though they desire the opposite in adulthood. Lori Glottlieb, renowned psychotherapist, famously coined the phrase “we marry our unfinished business” in her New York Times bestselling book Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.

Defining True Love

I like this framework for true love detailed in an article from Psychology Today titled "True Signs of True Love”:

• Mutual respect and support
• A deep commitment to each other that still respects each other's individual pursuits and resources
• An awareness of the other person's faults, as well as strengths
• The willingness to speak the truth and be honest with each other
• The willingness to work through conflict together (because even healthy loving relationships experience conflict from time to time)

Every definition of true love involves a deep emotional connection rooted in truly knowing one another, including each other’s strengths, flaws, and vulnerabilities (Reis & Aron, 2008). Intimacy is essential for sustaining this bond.

Intimacy

At the core of love lies intimacy, understood as "Into Me You See." Intimacy is the profound need to be valued, seen, and heard for who we truly are, often referred to as the "true self" (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). You cannot have intimacy without vulnerability, and therefore, authenticity. This level of connection demands that both individuals in the relationship actively engage in understanding and valuing each other’s true self over the course of their relationship.

Being known and knowing another in this intimate manner involves a reciprocal process. To love someone fully, one must not only see, value, and hear their true self but also allow one’s true self to be seen, valued, and heard in return (Sternberg, 1986).

Inauthenticity Blocks Intimacy

If authenticity is the key to intimacy, then inauthenticity blocks it. When an individual is not authentic, they present a false self or hide their true self. Consequently, any love directed towards a false self does not truly reach the person it is intended for. This results in feelings of loneliness and being misunderstood, as the individual feels unseen, unheard, and unvalued (Brown, 2010).

Without a whole true identity, it becomes impossible to know what one truly loves. Authenticity allows for the recognition of personal desires, needs, and values. When individuals are disconnected from their true identity, their attraction patterns default to what is familiar rather than what they genuinely want—known as the mere exposure effect (Zajonc, 1968). This often leads to relationships that are not fulfilling and do not align with their true selves (Reis & Aron, 2008).

Another risk for individuals with unstable identities is the chameleon effect (Chartrand & Bargh, 1999). This behavior occurs when someone lacking a stable sense of self unconsciously adopts a new identity. Sadly, this often ends painfully for those who become attached with chameleons, having been lured in by their manipulative mirroring tactics.

Unfortunately, many people never dedicate the time or effort to discover their true selves, resulting in widespread inauthenticity. The statistician in me wants to estimate that 70-90% of people have no stable sense of identity. In a globalized world where technology homogenates and commoditizes everything, authenticity becomes increasingly rare and valuable.

Transcendent Love

While it would be wonderful if true love guaranteed a happily ever after, sustaining a long-term connection also requires compatibility between two authentic individuals.

Compatibility

Compatibility refers to the alignment of values, life goals, and visions for a relationship. It is a critical component because it can predict the long-term potential of two people. This doesn’t necessarily mean that partners need to completely overlap in all areas, but they must identify their non-negotiables and areas of flexibility. For example, incompatibility can arise when one partner wants children and the other does not, or when there are irreconcilable differences in political ideologies or ambitions. No two people will be perfectly compatible, which underscores the importance of knowing one’s true self and one's deal breakers. Many relationship experts believe that a key to successful relationships is how partners handle the 70% of arguments that are about unresolvable perpetual problems (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

Mark Manson, a famous dating coach turned bestselling author, outlines major areas of compatibility:

• Life Priorities: Where do each of you see yourself in the next five years? Is it climbing the corporate ladder or living on a tropical beach? Does one want to have children and settle down while the other prefers a carefree life?
• Preferences: Are there activities you both enjoy? Is one of you comfortable with a messy living space while the other is a clean freak? Does one show up on time for dates while the other is always late?
• Fundamental Beliefs: Is one of you a career scientist while the other believes in conspiracy theories?
• Values: Our values are the foundation from which most (if not all) of the above flow. If your values are not aligned with your significant other’s, then there may be significant challenges ahead (Manson, 2016).

Conclusion

True love is more than intense feelings or passionate moments; it’s a deep, consistent connection marked by reciprocal intimacy, commitment, respect, support, and healthy interdependence. Kind authenticity is essential for true love. When combined with compatibility, it creates the highest echelon of human connection, transcendent love.

I want to acknowledge that this was all very intellectual and conceptually easier said then done. However, I believe it is useful to at least have a framework to put into daily practice in the pursuit to improve the quality of my close relationships and hopefully co-create a shared transcendental love.

Thanks for reading ❤️

Special Appreciation

Thank you Felex, Scott and Jeremy for inspiring me to pen this piece 🙏

References

• Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Jason Aronson.
• Kernis, M. H., & Goldman, B. M. (2006). A multicomponent conceptualization of authenticity: Theory and research. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 283-357.
• Rogers, C. R. (1961). On Becoming a Person: A Therapist's View of Psychotherapy. Houghton Mifflin.
• Winnicott, D. W. (1960). Ego distortion in terms of true and false self. In The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development (pp. 140-152). Hogarth Press.
• Maté, Gabor (2022). The Myth of Normal
• Fisher, H. E. (2004). Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. Henry Holt and Company.
• Kaufman, G., & Zigler, E. (1987). Do abused children become abusive parents? American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 57(2), 186-192. doi:10.1111/j.1939-0025.1987.tb03528.x
• Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93(2), 119-135. doi:10.1037/0033-295X.93.2.119
• Zajonc, Robert B. (1968). Attitudinal Effects Of Mere Exposure. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 
• Chartrand, T. L., & Bargh, J. A. (1999). The chameleon effect: The perception-behavior link and social interaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
• Reis, H. T., & Aron, A. (2008). Love: What Is It, Why Does It Matter, and How Does It Operate? Perspectives on Psychological Science, 3(1), 80-86. doi:10.1111/j.1745-6916.2008.00065.x
• Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.
• Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497-529. doi:10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497
• Clark, M.S. (1985), Implications of Relationship Type for Understanding Compatibility
• Manson, M. (2016). The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F#^%: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life*. HarperOne.