v1.13 (last commit 2024-07-18T21:16:30+00:00)

WARNING ⚠️: This post deals with emotionally challenging issues like death and bereavement.

Grief is the price we pay for love ~Queen Elizabeth II

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about grief, mourning, attachment, and love. It seems like, as a society, we don’t talk enough about the process of grief and how it significantly impacts our mental and emotional health.

In my own life, 2023 was a rollercoaster year, both personally and professionally. I co-created a 100+ member co-working community in SF, was part of a close-knit community at a tea house where I volunteered, and was in a committed whirlwind romantic relationship. Entering 2024, all those pillars in my life have been uprooted, leading me to deal with a multi-layered mourning process. Here are some things I have learned reflecting from my own experience:

Everyone is Grieving All the Time

From the American Psychological Association (APA): Grief is the anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person.

Grief often includes physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future. Intense grief can become life-threatening through disruption of the immune system, self-neglect, and suicidal thoughts.

Grief may also take the form of regret for something lost, remorse for something done, or sorrow for a mishap to oneself.

Much like trauma, where we recognize “big T” trauma, such as PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), which deals with major traumatic situations like what soldiers experience after witnessing the horrors of battle, and “little t” or complex trauma cPTSD, which relates to a series of traumatic events over time or one prolonged event.

Similarly, there exists a spectrum from “big G” grief to “little g” grief. We are in a constant state of transitioning from the old to the new, whether that be life events, settings, or relationships. This means we are also in a constant state of mourning. We often aren’t aware of the times we are dealing with “little g” grief, which may manifest as secondary emotions like anger, a general feeling of emptiness or sadness, volatile emotional swings, etc...

Recognizing and giving ourselves and others the time, support and space to grieve “little g” losses would probably improve our individual and collective sense of well being.

A few months ago, a very dear friend and mentor of mine stepped away from her leadership role at a healing space called The Center. Her joy-filled presence was a beacon of light for me, especially on days when my heart felt heavy or my spirits were low. Knowing I could drop into the teahouse space and connect with friends or strike up an authentic conversation with strangers brought me immense comfort. However, due to issues, the teahouse had to transition into a gated co-working setup, eliminating the spontaneity of those cherished interactions. While I was always aware that the day would come when she might move on or the community might change, I never anticipated both happening simultaneously.

Now, when I visit or volunteer at the space, there is a notable absence that I mourn. This manifests as subdued sadness and longing. By recognizing and acknowledging these feelings, I can move into a state of appreciation and communicate to others to ensure they don’t feel responsible for my grief.

Celebratory Grief

I have developed a practice of preemptively mourning the eventual loss of people, places, and objects. This mindset, paradoxically, allows me to cherish and celebrate them more deeply in the present.

There are two necessary conditions to set the foundation for this process:

1. Grace: In order to fill a space with love, one needs grace by clearing out any resentment or ill feelings. This presupposes you are further along in the process of healing any trauma wounds.
2. Radical Acceptance: Face and accept that everything in life is ephemeral, from experiences to relationships.

Once you have space in your heart and acceptance, you can move into a more empathetic emotional and spiritual state.

In my own life, especially in my relationships, I have found this state to be both healing and nourishing. Both my parents are now entering the final phase of their lives. My Dad is eighty-one and my Mom is seventy-six. When I was younger, I often felt deep resentment towards both of them, especially my Mother. Unaware, I projected many of my problems onto her, often leading to conflicts.

For decades, I blamed my Mom for my attachment insecurities and my paralyzing fear of intimacy. Around five years ago, I took complete ownership of my life and stopped playing the victim, creating the necessary space for grace.

Watching my mother navigate life in a wheelchair has brought me to terms with the inevitability of her passing. Her mobility challenges have led her to stop dyeing her hair, and seeing her in this vulnerable state stirs my own fears about death, reminding me that I, too, will one day confront the same realities my parents now face.

When I recently visited my folks in SoCal, I learned that my Mom had become obsessed with watching romantic Korean and Chinese series on YouTube, staying up until 4 a.m. every night. Rather than silently judging, I prefer to meet her where she is at, driven by an earnest curiosity about her fascination with these shows. I ask her about the characters and storylines, and I love seeing her face light up as she excitedly describes the complicated love triangles and Shakespearean drama. I didn’t grow up in an affectionate family, so when they drop me at the airport, I force myself to take a moment to look with kind eyes at my Mom, hug her, and tell her I love her.

Cultivating a premature sense of grief enables me to celebrate my parents while they are still here. Being mindful of their mortality also allows my mind and body to start the grief process while cherishing the time we get to spend together. Now, I admit that I don’t know what my process will look like moving forward, particularly after they have passed. But I do take solace in knowing that I made the most of the time while they were present.

Embracing this mindset of celebratory love can enhance our appreciation of many things, but is most impactful in our closest relationships.

Would my father be “disappointed by the countless ways I'd failed to live up to it. But then one night struck me that I would be only too happy to hear any judgment so long as it granted me more conversation to have with my father” ~Elrond, “The Lord of the Rings: Rings of Power”, J.R.R. Tolkien

Special Appreciation

Thank you Viv for inspiring me to pen this piece ❤️