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I’ve experienced both sides of love bombing—being love bombed and, when I was younger, unknowingly love bombing others, though in a less harmful way. Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way from either side that it takes a long time to heal from this kind of manipulative and inauthentic behavior. When I lived in Hollywood, like many others, I often used a charming limerence facade, offering excessive compliments and gifts to quickly win affection. But once the initial excitement faded, I always felt the urge to flee, guilty for being deceptive and anxious about being rejected after I took off the false mask. My infatuation wasn’t malicious, and while I didn’t intend harm, that didn’t change the negative impact once I became aware of my behavior. On the flip-side whenever I mustered the courage to be authentic and vulnerable, I was drawn to the kinds of unhealthy people who would then love bomb me. Seeing the people I've hurt, and feeling that same pain myself, has been a humbling experience.

This essay explores the nuances of love bombing, particularly focusing on its unconscious occurrence in people with Cluster B personality disorders, and discusses the long-term effects of this toxic cycle, the underlying causes, and the steps both victims and perpetrators can take to break free from it.

What is Love Bombing

Love bombing can be described as a manipulative behavior wherein one person overwhelms another with excessive affection and attention. While it may initially seem like a fairytale romance, it often lacks a genuine emotional connection and ultimately serves a controlling purpose. Love bombing frequently occurs in relationships where one partner idealizes the other before suddenly devaluing and discarding them.

There are two main types of love bombing:

1. Narcissistic Abuse Cycle: In this scenario, love bombing is a conscious manipulation tactic often employed by individuals with narcissistic tendencies. These individuals use affection to gain control over their partner, only to later devalue and discard them once their needs have been met (Sarkis, 2015).
2. Unconscious Love Bombing: The less-discussed type, which is the focus of this essay, occurs unconsciously in people with disorders like BPD or HPD. These individuals often experience "splitting," a psychological defense mechanism in which they alternate between idealizing and devaluing their partners (Gunderson, 2011). At first, the love bomber sees their partner as flawless, but soon this image shatters, and they begin to criticize or emotionally abuse their partner. The cycle typically follows four stages: Idealization, Devaluation, Discard, and Hoovering.
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This behavioral pattern is particularly prominent in individuals with Cluster B personality disorders—such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD)—which are associated with intense emotional oscillations.

The Stages of Love Bombing

• Idealization: The relationship begins with the love bomber treating their partner like a hero. The victim is showered with praise, affection, and often extravagant gestures. At this stage, the love bomber projects an idealized version of their partner, seeing them as perfect.
• Devaluation: This is when the mask begins to slip. Seemingly out of nowhere, the love bomber starts to criticize, gaslight, and blame their partner for perceived shortcomings. Victims often find themselves walking on eggshells, questioning their sanity, and feeling emotionally drained. Friends and family may begin to notice a change in the victim’s behavior and mood (Gabbard, 2014).
• Discard: The relationship ends abruptly and in a cold, callous manner. This stage is emotionally devastating for the victim because it often comes without warning. The love bomber may abruptly cut off contact or leave with little explanation, leaving their partner feeling confused and heartbroken.
• Hoovering: Named after the vacuum brand, hoovering refers to the love bomber's attempt to "suck" their partner back into the relationship. After the discard, the love bomber may return, offering insincere apologies and false promises of change. This restarts the toxic cycle, trapping the victim in an emotionally abusive relationship (Freeman, 2020).

Why Love Bombing is Toxic

Love bombing can have a profoundly negative impact on the recipient, leading to long-term emotional, psychological, and sometimes even physical harm. At the core of its toxicity is intermittent reinforcement, a behavioral psychology concept where inconsistent rewards (in this case, affection) make people addicted to the push-pull dynamics of the relationship (Lavin, 2020). The love bomber alternates between affection and abuse, which erodes the victim's self-esteem and emotional stability. This rollercoaster dynamic not only keeps the victim emotionally disoriented but also establishes a dangerous precedent for further abusive behavior.

Over time, love bombing often evolves into more serious forms of abuse, such as emotional manipulation, isolation from friends and family, and financial control. The relationship becomes a cycle in which the victim feels dependent on the love bomber for emotional validation, despite the frequent abuse. Many victims fail to recognize the pattern or feel too disoriented to extricate themselves from the relationship.

Escalation to Abuse

Victims of love bombing often face various forms of abuse, such as:

• Emotional and Psychological Abuse: This includes gaslighting, constant criticism, and making the victim feel unworthy or "crazy."
• Physical and Sexual Abuse: Love bombing can sometimes escalate into physical or sexual violence when the abuser seeks to exert more control.
• Financial Manipulation: In some cases, the love bomber may take control of the victim’s finances, making it even harder for the victim to leave the relationship (Maté, 2010).

What Causes Someone to Love Bomb

While love bombing in narcissistic individuals is often a deliberate manipulation tactic, there are deeper psychological reasons behind this behavior, especially when it comes to those with Cluster B personality disorders. Individuals with these disorders may not consciously intend to manipulate their partners; rather, their behavior stems from unresolved psychological issues and emotional instability.

• Childhood Trauma: Unresolved trauma from childhood is one of the leading causes of love bombing behavior. Children raised in chaotic or emotionally neglectful environments may grow up with distorted templates for romantic relationships. This can manifest in alternating extremes of idealization and devaluation in adult relationships (Van der Kolk, 2014).
• Fear of Intimacy: For some, love bombing is a defense mechanism against the fear of true intimacy. These individuals may feel deeply inadequate or fear abandonment, leading them to rush the initial stages of a relationship to secure emotional validation quickly (Linehan, 1993).
• Need for Control: Love bombing can be an unconscious attempt to control the dynamics of a relationship. By overwhelming the other person with affection, the love bomber ensures they are the focal point of the relationship, establishing dominance early on (Kernberg, 1975).
• Low Self-Esteem: People with low self-esteem may resort to love bombing as a way to forge a premature connection, believing that by locking someone into an emotional commitment quickly, they can avoid rejection once their true selves are revealed (Bateman & Fonagy, 2004).

How to Recognize When You Are Being Love Bombed

One of the key red flags in love bombing is when something feels "too good to be true." Constant displays of affection, frequent gifts, and grand declarations early in a relationship may seem flattering, but they are often signals of an unhealthy dynamic. A person being love bombed may feel as though they are not being seen for who they truly are, but rather as a projection of what the love bomber wants them to be.

Grooming Behavior

Love bombers often use grooming techniques to gain control over their victim:

• Excessive Flattery: Constant compliments that feel over-the-top, such as “I’ve never met anyone like you,” or “You’re my soulmate,” are often used to establish an intense emotional bond quickly.
• Overwhelming Attention: Frequent texts, calls, or surprise visits, initially flattering, soon become overwhelming and controlling.
• Isolation: Gradually, the love bomber may isolate the victim from friends, family, and other support systems, creating a sense of dependency.
• Premature Declarations: Love bombers often push for serious commitments early in the relationship, such as declarations of love or even marriage proposals, to accelerate emotional attachment (MacCormack & Pascoe, 2020).

How to Heal and Protect Yourself From Being Love Bombed

If you find yourself frequently falling for love bombing, it's essential to develop strategies to protect yourself. Here are some practical steps:

• Healing (Therapy): If you have a pattern of falling for love bombers, therapy can help you uncover why you are attracted to such relationships and equip you with the tools to break the cycle (Linehan, 1993).
• Develop a Strong Sense of Self: By cultivating self-awareness and emotional independence, you can better recognize when someone's affection is genuine or manipulative.
• Slow Down: Take your time in new relationships. It generally takes one to two years to truly get to know someone.
• Balanced Perspective: Resist the urge to idealize new partners. Focus on seeing them as a whole person—flaws and all.
• Build a Supportive Community: Rely on trusted friends and family to help vet new relationships and keep you grounded when you feel swept up in intense emotions (Van der Kolk, 2014).

How to Stop Love Bombing Others

If you recognize that you have a pattern of love bombing others, it's important to acknowledge the behavior and take steps to address the underlying issues. Therapy, building a strong sense of self, and practicing slower, healthier relationship dynamics are all effective strategies to break this cycle.

Conclusion

Love bombing is a harmful relational pattern that can lead to long-term emotional, psychological, and even physical damage for both the victim and the perpetrator. While narcissistic love bombing is often a deliberate form of manipulation, many people engage in this behavior unconsciously due to unresolved trauma, fear of intimacy, and low self-esteem. Recognizing the signs of love bombing, understanding its causes, and taking steps to stop the cycle are essential for building healthier, more authentic relationships.

References

Bateman, A. W., & Fonagy, P. (2004). Psychotherapy for borderline personality disorder: Mentalization-based treatment. Oxford University

Freeman, D. (2020). Why Do People Hoover in Relationships? Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com

Gabbard, G. O. (2014). Psychodynamic Psychiatry in Clinical Practice (5th ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing.

Gunderson, J. G. (2011). Borderline Personality Disorder: A Clinical Guide (2nd ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing.

Kernberg, O. F. (1975). Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism. Jason Aronson.

Lavin, R. A. (2020). Intermittent Reinforcement and Its Addictive Impact in Relationships. Journal of Behavioral Psychology, 45(2), 103-112.

Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press.

Maté, G. (2010). In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. North Atlantic Books.

MacCormack, J., & Pascoe, A. (2020). Cults of Silicon Valley: Exploring Tech’s Devotional Subculture. Journal of Sociology, 56(3), 222-240.

Sarkis, S. (2015). Narcissistic Love Bombing: The Idealization Phase of Narcissistic Abuse. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com

Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.