v1.4 (last commit 2024-09-14T17:16:05+00:00)

*While this piece is written with a focus on “men” from a heteronormative standpoint, I fully respect and value all sexual orientations and gender identities.

Disclaimer: As a male writer who enjoys writing about romantic relationships, I have a personal vested interest in attracting more men to read Romance/Love Stories.

Growing up, I was obsessed with movies and books, especially love stories, as a way to manage my sensitivity. In high school, I would often watch indie dramas alone at a local art house theater, where I could cry in the safety of solitude. As a young man, this was my only outlet to explore and express my emotions, since I had no family, friends, or male role models to discuss feelings with. In public, I felt the need to maintain a facade of stoic coolness. Early on, I struggled with loneliness, emptiness, and a lack of internal purpose relying on what external influences to tell me what would make me happy. It wasn’t until I embraced emotions and started to delve into the mean making side of feelings that I began a journey toward authenticity. As I stopped fueling my cognitive based self-limiting beliefs with fear, they began to fade. The senseless chatter in my head stopped. My relationships improved, and I started showing up for people in ways I had only dreamt of, creating a positive cycle in my life.

Almost all the issues I see today in young men stem from a lack of emotional intelligence and maturity. I firmly believe the way forward for men is through the heart—with love.

“Men need to be loved physically in order to love emotionally. Women need to be loved emotionally in order to love physically.”

MEN: What if I told you there is a superpower that could increase your ability to understand and connect with women? What if this secret superpower was hidden in plain sight and accessible to everyone? What if I told you that this resource could be found in the very books that society tells men to avoid? What if I told you too could develop this superpower by reading… Romance. Cue sound of record scratching and meme of Kevin Hart’s face contorted in a look of bewilderment. And no, this isn’t about superficial shaming labels like “sigma” or “beta” males.

Masculinity, I believe, can encompass both strength and tenderness, decisiveness and open-mindedness, intellect and emotional depth.

Surprise, surprise—men don’t typically read romance. The romance fiction market, as it currently exists, is dominated by women, both as readers and writers. Women account for over 80% of romance readership. Despite making up a quarter of the world's total book market, with billions in annual sales, romance novels have a cultural stigma as "women's books." Men, by and large, avoid them, with exceptions only for those few willing to explore love stories with an open mind.

Undoubtedly, the romance genre is brimming with lessons that could serve men in their personal lives, complimenting professional achievements to boost our overall well being. So, let’s talk about why men should read romance.

What Do Men Read

“We are human beings not human doings” ~Dalai Lama

From Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People to Rich Dad Poor Dad, I used to focus on books about personal growth and life optimization. But I eventually realized that my drive for external success stemmed from a subconscious desire to gain attention and affection. I believed that becoming famous, accumulating wealth, or mastering the art of seduction would make me more attractive to women. Ultimately, I had to confront the sobering truth: these superficial pursuits were a way to avoid facing my fear of intimacy.

Before we dive into the benefits of reading romance, let’s take a look at what men typically read. Data suggests men tend to gravitate toward non-fiction genres, particularly in the realms of self-help, productivity, and optimization. A Pew Research study found that men are more likely than women to read for knowledge acquisition rather than for emotional engagement . Books like Atomic Habits, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, or Grit dominate the reading lists of many men.

Why? Men are socialized to view success and achievement as the ultimate goals. Books that help them “get ahead” or enhance their personal productivity are highly valued. These texts fit neatly into the narrative that success comes from doing more, achieving more, and outperforming others.

Why Do Men Read Books That Help Them Get Ahead?

Let’s explore why this happens. The answer lies in social conditioning. From a young age, boys are taught that their value is directly tied to what they achieve, not who they are. This message, reinforced by societal structures—often labeled “The Patriarchy”—creates immense pressure on men to prioritize career success, status, and performance over emotional awareness and relationship-building.

Research in gender studies shows that men are conditioned to suppress vulnerability from an early age, and emotional literacy is often neglected in favor of developing competence in external achievements. This dynamic is linked to intergenerational transmission, including trauma. Many men are raised in environments where emotional expression is limited or shamed, leading to emotional suppression or externalization through anger and frustration.

The effects of this conditioning are well-documented. A study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships highlights that men who are socially conditioned to avoid vulnerability are more likely to experience loneliness, depression, and relationship dissatisfaction. Emotional suppression comes at a significant cost, leading to higher rates of mental health issues among men, including depression, anxiety, and even suicide.

Why Men Should Read Romance

Reading romance and watching films and series that explore women's experiences led to a simple yet profound realization: I had no idea how radically different women’s lives were from men’s. This sparked a deep curiosity to connect with women who were open to sharing their insights. In college, I fell in love with Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, particularly the complex yet playful dynamics among the Bennet sisters and the sharp wit of Elizabeth Bennet. This story gave me my first glimpse into the female experience, even through the lens of English aristocracy. I adore Keira Knightley’s performance in the 2005 film adaptation, which I’ve watched at least 30 times. This curiosity has helped me form meaningful connections, and I’m proud to say that many of my closest, most cherished friends are women—leading to a deeper, more transcendent sense of joy.

So why should men start reading romance? Here’s the disclaimer: men don’t have to read romance novels specifically. But men should engage in emotive experiences, including art and literature, that help cultivate emotional awareness and empathy. The romance genre, with its focus on relationships, feelings, and emotional growth, is one of the most direct ways to exercise this often-neglected muscle.

1. Health Benefits of Emotional Awareness

Building emotional intelligence (EQ) through experiences like reading romance has tangible health benefits. A 2013 study in the American Journal of Public Health found that higher emotional intelligence is linked to lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression . Increased EQ has also been associated with better cardiovascular health and longer life expectancy. For men, who often struggle with emotional expression, engaging with romantic fiction could be a pathway to better mental health and overall well-being.

2. Relationships Matter More Than Achievement, In The Long-Run

There’s a reason countless studies on happiness come to the same conclusion: the quality of our relationships is the number one predictor of a fulfilling life . Books on productivity and self-help may boost career success, but they rarely emphasize the importance of emotional connection. Romance novels, on the other hand, center human relationships, offering insights into intimacy, vulnerability, and communication—skills men are often under-encouraged to develop.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest-running studies on happiness, consistently finds that close relationships, more than money or fame, keep people happy throughout their lives. Men who prioritize emotional and relational development are better equipped for lasting happiness .

3. Understanding Women’s Perspectives

Reading romance can also provide men with a window into women’s emotional experiences and perspectives. Men who read romance can gain insights into the complexity of female desire, fear, love, and pain—emotions that may not always be communicated openly in daily interactions. This understanding can lead to deeper empathy, as supported by a study from Psychological Science which found that reading literary fiction, including romance, can improve a reader’s ability to understand others’ mental states and feelings .

4. Improving Emotional Intelligence

Romance novels are a masterclass in empathy. They push the reader to identify with characters’ emotions, conflicts, and personal growth. For men who may struggle with emotional awareness or empathy, reading romance is like lifting emotional weights. A study from the Journal of Educational Psychology found that students who engaged with stories involving deep emotional narratives showed significant increases in emotional intelligence .

5. Addressing Low Emotional Maturity

Men, particularly those raised in environments that discourage emotional expression, often struggle with emotional maturity. Reading about complex relationships in romance novels can offer men examples of how to manage conflicts, process emotions, and communicate effectively. The internal growth arcs that characters often go through in romance can model pathways to emotional maturity that men can emulate in their own lives.

6. Building EQ Muscle to Prevent Emotional Disconnect

Many men experience emotional disconnect—either within themselves or with their partners—because they’ve never learned to fully access their feelings. Romance novels can serve as a low-risk environment where men can explore vulnerability, love, and heartache, helping them to reconnect with their emotions in a meaningful way. Research from the International Journal of Behavioral Development supports the idea that engaging in emotionally driven narratives, such as those found in romance, can foster emotional intelligence and interpersonal skills.

Okay so I know and accept that most men think in a more rational manner. While the above is very abstract and doesn’t present precisely how men benefit the following section will outline specific benefits for guys in reading romance.

How Reading Romance Can Help Men “Level Up”

There are two things I wish I’d known growing up: 1. romantic relationships are fundamentally about emotional connection, and 2. women need to feel emotionally safe to be vulnerable, which is essential for attraction. These insights would have saved me a lot of heartache. While the story may be dated, Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice shows how a proud, stoic nobleman transforms by softening his emotions through vulnerability and humility, which ultimately leads him to connect with the fiercely independent woman he longs deeply desires, Elizabeth Bennet.

Many men think in a rational, linear manner and appreciate a direct, pragmatic approach to problem-solving and self-improvement. While the emotional and abstract benefits of reading romance novels may seem intangible, the specific, measurable benefits that come from this practice are significant. This section will outline how reading romance can provide tangible benefits in men’s professional lives, social lives, and dating lives, supported by academic research.

1. Professional

In today’s workplace, emotional intelligence (EQ) and “soft skills” are just as important, if not more so, than technical abilities. Soft skills—such as teamwork, communication, empathy, and emotional regulation—are essential for leadership, collaboration, and conflict resolution in modern work environments. Research shows that women tend to outperform men in key areas like communication, team dynamics, and collaboration, partially because these skills are emphasized in female socialization and emotional development .

Romance novels often center on emotional conflict, communication, and relational dynamics. By reading about how characters navigate emotionally complex situations, men can strengthen these very skills, which are increasingly valuable in the workplace. A study published in the Harvard Business Review found that 90% of top performers have high EQ, and emotional intelligence contributes to 58% of success in all types of jobs . Another study in Personnel Psychology found that individuals with higher EQ were more likely to have better job performance, especially in positions requiring teamwork and customer interaction .

For men looking to “level up” professionally, reading romance novels can be an unconventional yet highly effective way to improve EQ and other essential soft skills, helping them thrive in today’s collaborative work environments.

2. Social Status

Connecting with people—whether friends, family, or new acquaintances—is deeply gratifying and crucial for mental well-being. A significant body of research has shown that social connection is a powerful antidote to various mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, loneliness, and low self-esteem. A meta-analysis of studies on social isolation published in PLOS Medicine found that individuals with stronger social relationships had a 50% increased likelihood of survival compared to those with weaker connections, illustrating the critical role that relationships play in overall health and longevity .

Reading romance novels can help men build stronger social connections by improving their emotional literacy and empathy. A study published in Science found that reading literary fiction (including romance) can improve a reader’s ability to understand the mental states of others, also known as theory of mind, which is critical for forming meaningful relationships and maintaining social bonds . Empathy is the key to understanding others’ emotions, and romance novels, with their focus on interpersonal relationships and emotional growth, can help men develop this essential skill.

By honing their ability to empathize with others, men can enhance their social lives and form deeper, more fulfilling connections with the people around them. Whether navigating friendships, family relationships, or community involvement, emotional intelligence and empathy are invaluable.

3. Dating & Romantic Relationships

In the realm of dating and romantic relationships, many men may feel uncertain about how to connect emotionally with women. Research shows that while men may prioritize physical intimacy, women often place higher value on emotional intimacy, feeling desired, and having their emotions understood and validated . A study from the Journal of Sex Research revealed that emotional connection is a stronger predictor of relationship satisfaction for women than for men, indicating that emotional intimacy is key to fostering strong romantic relationships .

Romance novels explore the emotional landscapes of relationships, often delving into the complexities of love, desire, vulnerability, and trust. By reading about the emotional needs and desires of characters in romance fiction, men can gain insight into the emotional dynamics that are important to women. This, in turn, can help them become more attuned to their partner’s needs, leading to deeper emotional intimacy and a more fulfilling dating life.

Furthermore, understanding the emotional side of relationships can help men navigate dating with greater confidence and sensitivity. Research published in Psychology Today found that individuals with higher emotional intelligence tend to have healthier, more satisfying relationships because they are better at managing conflict, understanding their partner’s emotional needs, and creating deeper bonds .

By engaging with romance novels, men can gain a better understanding of what women often seek in relationships—emotional intimacy, feeling valued, and being desired for more than physical attraction. This knowledge can significantly enhance their dating experiences and lead to more meaningful, fulfilling romantic relationships.

Why Women Should Encourage Their Male Partners To Read Romance

Ladies, here’s a sobering truth: you also have work to do in creating a safe space for men to open up emotionally, or you risk your partner shutting down. A common complaint I hear from my male friends who want to be more vulnerable and something I’ve experienced dating is unfairly expecting men to read minds, weaponizing vulnerabilities and just a general lack of grace. If you find yourself in an endless cycle of getting involved with emotionally unavailable partners then there is only one common denominator here, you. For those with a partner eager to grow emotionally, suggesting they read romance novels can inspire the two of you to bring those romantic elements into your own relationship in a fun and meaningful way.

For all the reasons listed above, female partners can kindly and gracefully encourage their male partners to explore the romance genre. Romance offers a wide variety of sub-genres—everything from contemporary love stories to paranormal romances featuring gargoyles, robots, and even minotaurs. There’s something to suit nearly every taste, whether a reader is drawn to the emotional complexity of relationships or the escapism of fantastical worlds.

But beyond the fun of exploring a new genre, reading romance could serve as a powerful relationship-building tool. Reading romance novels as a couple can foster deeper emotional intimacy, encourage meaningful discussions about desires and vulnerabilities, and even strengthen the bond between partners. Research in psychology suggests that shared activities, particularly those that involve intellectual or emotional engagement, can improve relationship satisfaction by creating a sense of mutual growth and understanding . In fact, a study in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that couples who engage in novel and exciting activities together report higher levels of relationship satisfaction .

Romance novels, which often center on communication, empathy, and emotional connection, offer an ideal opportunity for couples to engage in these kinds of activities. When both partners read and discuss romantic narratives, it opens up conversations about love, intimacy, and emotional needs—topics that are often difficult to broach in daily life. This can lead to improved communication and a better understanding of each other’s emotional worlds. According to research published in Emotion, couples who frequently communicate about their emotional experiences report greater relationship satisfaction and are better equipped to navigate challenges together .

Moreover, encouraging male partners to read romance can help bridge the emotional gap that often exists in relationships. Studies show that men tend to struggle with emotional expression more than women, which can lead to misunderstandings and unmet needs in romantic relationships . A 2017 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that men who engaged in activities that increased their emotional intelligence experienced improved relationship satisfaction and lower levels of conflict with their partners. Reading romance can help men develop these essential emotional skills, enhancing their ability to connect on a deeper level with their partners.

In addition, romance novels often portray a range of relationship dynamics, from healthy communication and vulnerability to navigating conflict and forgiveness. These narratives can serve as models for men and women alike, offering valuable lessons on how to foster emotional resilience and relationship harmony. Research from the Journal of Family Psychology indicates that exposure to narratives featuring strong relational skills can positively influence real-life relationship behaviors .

Finally, reading romance as a couple can simply be fun! Whether it becomes a playful exercise or a bonding activity, exploring romance novels together offers the opportunity to laugh, discuss, and explore emotional depths in a lighthearted way. It allows both partners to break free from the usual routines and experience new perspectives on love and relationships.

Conclusion

Romance novels aren’t just fluff—they’re valuable resources for personal growth, emotional intelligence, and relational success. By exploring love stories, men can build empathy, emotional maturity, and a deeper understanding of the human experience. While they may not seem as immediately practical as books on productivity, the benefits of engaging with romance literature could be far more life-changing in the long run.

So, if you’re a man looking to get ahead—not just in your career, but in life—consider stepping outside the box. Pick up a romance novel. You might be surprised by what you find.

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