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I wrote this essay to raise awareness of toxic shame, a concept gaining attention but still not widely understood. As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized how pervasive and destructive toxic shame is, often at the root of much suffering. Having witnessed most of my friends unknowingly struggle with this silent soul killer has been heartbreaking. Gabor Maté, Tim Fletcher, and Brené Brown have deepened my understanding of toxic shame, its origins, how to recognize it in ourselves and others, and ways to manage or heal it.

“Shame is a soul eating emotion” ~Carl Jung

Shame is a universal human experience, an emotion we all encounter at some point in our lives. It serves as an internal barometer, guiding us in our interactions with others and the world. However, when shame becomes pervasive and toxic, it transforms from a temporary feeling into a destructive force that undermines our sense of self-worth and authenticity. This essay explores the concept of toxic shame, its causes, the reasons for its existence, and how individuals can begin to heal from its debilitating effects.

What is Shame?

Shame is a complex emotion that arises from the perception of being fundamentally flawed or unworthy. Unlike guilt, which is centered on a specific action or behavior, shame is more personalized and internalized. The distinction between shame and guilt can be encapsulated in the phrases "I am bad" versus "I did something bad" (Lewis, 1971). While guilt can motivate individuals to change their behavior, shame tends to erode self-esteem and foster a negative self-identity (Lewis, 1971). Shame, particularly when it becomes toxic, can lead to a persistent state of self-loathing and a distorted sense of self (Kaufman, 1989).

What is Toxic Shame?

Toxic shame is a pervasive and persistent form of shame that goes beyond momentary feelings of embarrassment or guilt. It becomes a part of one's identity, creating a deep-seated belief that one is fundamentally flawed or defective (Bradshaw, 1988). Toxic shame often stems from early experiences of trauma or dysfunctional family dynamics, leading to a lifetime of low self-esteem and self-loathing (Maté, 2008). Unlike healthy shame, which can guide individuals toward self-improvement, toxic shame is debilitating and corrosive, preventing individuals from living authentically (Kaufman, 1989).

What Causes Toxic Shame?

Toxic shame often originates in childhood, particularly in environments characterized by trauma, neglect, or emotional abuse. Trauma can take many forms, from overt physical or emotional abuse to more subtle experiences of neglect or enmeshment. Children who grow up in dysfunctional families may be subjected to toxic or unhealthy dynamics, such as physical or emotional abuse and/or neglect, parentification, constant invalidation, or having mentally ill parents (Van der Kolk, 2014). Additionally, conditional or intermittent love can lead children to develop unhealthy survival strategies, such as relying on external validation for self-worth, often resulting in perfectionism or becoming overachievers in adulthood. These experiences can imprint deep feelings of shame that persist into adulthood, influencing how individuals view themselves and their worth (Bradshaw, 1988).

“It is very common for one or both parents in a dysfunctional marriage to bond inappropriately with one of their children. The parents use the child to meet their emotional needs.” ~John Bradshaw

Poor life choices, especially those that cause harm to others, can also contribute to the development of toxic shame. Engaging in destructive behaviors or making decisions that go against one's values can lead to a cycle of self-blame and shame (Brown, 2007). Additionally, living in unhealthy environments where one's sense of self is consistently undermined can reinforce feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy (Kaufman, 1989).

Why Does Toxic Shame Exist?

Shame often exists as a mechanism for enforcing social norms and conformity. In many societies, shame is used as a tool to ensure that individuals adhere to certain standards of behavior, whether those standards are imposed by family, religious, or cultural groups (Bradshaw, 1988). While this can sometimes serve as a protective measure, helping individuals navigate social relationships and avoid harm, it can also create a sense of internal incongruence when individuals are pressured to conform to values that do not align with their true selves (Brown, 2007).

“Playing roles and acting are forms of lying. If people act like they really feel and it rocks the boat, they are ostracized. We promote pretense and lying as a cultural way of life. Living this way causes an inner split. It teaches us to hide and cover up our toxic shame. This sends us deeper into isolation and loneliness.” ~John Bradshaw

Healthy shame can act as a signal for self correcting action, alerting individuals when they are not living authentically. However, when shame becomes toxic, it ceases to serve this constructive purpose and instead becomes a source of self-punishment (Kaufman, 1989). This disconnect between the true self and the false self can lead to a host of psychological and emotional issues, as individuals struggle to reconcile their internal world with external expectations (Maté, 2008).

Authenticity And Toxic Shame

*See essay on “Authenticity: The Passport for Transcendent Love”

“Shame is nothing more than denial of the truth.” ~M Funkhouser

The concept of authenticity is central to understanding and healing toxic shame. Renowned figures such as Gabor Maté and Tim Fletcher have explored the relationship between shame and authenticity, emphasizing the importance of living in alignment with one's true self. Maté, in particular, has highlighted how toxic shame can lead to a disconnection from one's authentic self, resulting in a range of psychological and physical ailments (Maté, 2008).

What are the Signs of Toxic Shame?

Toxic shame manifests in various ways, often affecting both mental and physical health. Some common signs of toxic shame include:

• Low Self-Esteem: Individuals with toxic shame often have a pervasive sense of worthlessness and inadequacy (Bradshaw, 1988).
• Perfectionism: A constant drive to meet unrealistic standards, often fueled by the fear of being exposed as flawed (Kaufman, 1989).
• Anger/Rage: Repressed shame can manifest as anger or rage, often directed at oneself or others (Bradshaw, 1988).
• Isolation/Loneliness: Toxic shame can lead to withdrawal from social interactions and a sense of deep loneliness (Brown, 2007).
• Depression: Persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and despair are common among those struggling with toxic shame (Maté, 2008).
• Anxiety: Chronic worry and fear, often related to the anticipation of being judged or rejected (Fletcher, 2016).
• Eating Disorders: Disordered eating behaviors can arise as a way to cope with or control feelings of shame (Kaufman, 1989).
• Addiction/Substance Abuse: Individuals may turn to drugs or alcohol to numb the pain of toxic shame (Maté, 2008).
• Codependency: “The dance of two wounded souls.” A pattern of unhealthy relationships, often characterized by a need to please others at the expense of one's own well-being (Bradshaw, 1988).

• Sleeping Issues: Difficulty sleeping, insomnia, or nightmares can be physical manifestations of toxic shame (Van der Kolk, 2014).

What are the Long-Term Effects of Unhealthy Toxic Shame?

“Toxically shamed people tend to become more and more stagnant as life goes on. They live in a guarded, secretive and defensive way. They try to be more than human (perfect and controlling) or less than human (losing interest in life or stagnated in some addictive behavior).” ~John Bradshaw

Toxic shame is not only a psychological burden but can also manifest physically. Chronic shame has been linked to mental illnesses such as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and can contribute to psychosomatic illnesses, where emotional distress is expressed through physical symptoms (Kaufman, 1989). Individuals with toxic shame may also experience a weakened immune system, leading to frequent illnesses (Maté, 2008).

Unhealed toxic shame can be passed down through generations, with individuals unknowingly imparting their unresolved shame to their children. This perpetuates an unhealthy cycle of repetition compulsion and dysfunction within families, affecting future generations.

How to Heal Toxic Shame

“The truth releases us from shame.” ~Lori Gottlieb

Healing from toxic shame is a challenging but essential process for reclaiming one's sense of self and living authentically. Several strategies can aid in this journey:

• Build Self-Esteem: Cultivating a positive self-image and developing self-compassion are crucial steps in overcoming toxic shame (Brown, 2007).
• Mindfulness & Building Self-Awareness: Practicing mindfulness can help individuals become more aware of their thoughts and feelings, allowing them to identify and challenge shame-based beliefs (Fletcher, 2016).
• Separate from Unhealthy People: Distancing oneself from toxic relationships, whether they involve family members, partners, or friends, is often necessary for healing (Bradshaw, 1988).
• Find Healthy Healed People: Surrounding oneself with supportive and emotionally healthy individuals can provide the encouragement and validation needed to combat shame (Kaufman, 1989).
• Become Authentic: Engaging in a journey of self-discovery and embracing one's true self is essential for overcoming toxic shame (Maté, 2008).
• Trigger/Trauma Work: Addressing and processing past traumas through therapy or other means can help release the grip of toxic shame (Van der Kolk, 2014).
• Therapy: Seeking professional help from a therapist who specializes in trauma and shame can provide valuable support and guidance in the healing process (Fletcher, 2016).

Conclusion

“Hell, in my opinion, is never finding your true self and never living your own life or knowing who you are.” ~John Bradshaw

Toxic shame is a destructive force that can erode one's sense of self-worth and authenticity. However, by understanding its causes, recognizing its signs, and actively engaging in the healing process, individuals can break free from the chains of toxic shame and reclaim their true selves. The journey may be long and challenging, but the reward is a life lived in alignment with one's authentic self.

References

• Maté, Gabor. In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. North Atlantic Books, 2008.
• Fletcher, Tim. Shame: The Quintessential Emotion of Trauma. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform, 2016.
• Bradshaw, John. Healing the Shame that Binds You. Health Communications, Inc., 1988.
• Brown, Brené. I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough”. Avery, 2007.
• Lewis, Helen Block. "Shame and Guilt in Neurosis." Psychoanalytic Review, vol. 58, no. 3, 1971, pp. 419-438.
• Kaufman, Gershen. The Psychology of Shame: Theory and Treatment of Shame-Based Syndromes. Springer Publishing Company, 1989.
• Van der Kolk, Bessel A. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books, 2014.