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The most common form of codependency I’ve observed in those around me is chronically imbalanced relationships. Usually, the person struggles to detach from unhealthy dynamics, often involving someone self-centered or definitively narcissistic. It’s heartbreaking to see friends feel powerless to leave or repeatedly fall into this painful pattern. The worst is having to witness them self-sabotage by pushing away healthy potential partners.

My codependency often shows up as a “savior complex” in romantic relationships. I tend to be drawn to and trauma-bonded with unhealthy individuals, believing I could fix them or their problems. After experiencing failed, one-sided relationships filled with resentment, I eventually realized that healthy relationships are interdependent, with two sovereign, authentic individuals. I have to constantly remind myself the truth—no one wants to be saved, everyone wants to be accepted and cherished for who they are—to avoid falling into my old patterns. It’s challenging because I still seek external validation and can overlook underlying trauma, self-sabotage, and unhealthy behaviors.

The purpose of this essay is not to shame those of us who struggle with codependency, but to raise awareness of an issue that causes deep emotional and psychological pain, helping individuals find the support needed to heal from attachment wounds. People suffering from codependency are not to blame. Experts believe the behavior is developed as an unhealthy coping mechanism learned in childhood. Some therapists admit that treating codependency can be more challenging than addressing alcohol addiction.

What is Codependency

“Codependency” is considered an outdated term that connotes weakness and emotional fragility, far from the truth. Attachment trauma is the root issue, which is responsible for causing core shame. This, in turn, creates pathological loneliness, which fuels the addictive need for a narcissist, represented...as a set of symptoms known as Self-Love Deficit Disorder (SLDD) ~Ross Rosenberg, The Human Magnet Syndrome

Codependency, often referred to as "relationship addiction," is a dysfunctional pattern where individuals sacrifice their own needs and well-being to support and care for others. The condition is often characterized by an unhealthy reliance on others, typically with one person assuming the role of “the giver” while the other becomes “the taker” (Beattie, 1987). This dynamic may seem altruistic or even loving, but it usually leads to deep emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical consequences for the person in the caregiving role.

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Codependency is not an official clinical term but a recognized relational dynamic that impacts many people. While the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) does not officially recognize codependency as a mental health disorder, it is widely studied and accepted in therapeutic communities as a maladaptive coping mechanism, often stemming from childhood experiences and relational trauma (Timberlake, 2019).

Codependency exists on a spectrum, meaning that nearly everyone exhibits some degree of codependent behaviors, but at extreme ends—whether too dependent or too independent—the dynamic becomes unhealthy.

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Most people today exhibit what can be called high-functioning codependency. Outwardly, they may appear stable, successful, and fully functional. However, beneath the surface, their personal relationships are often chaotic, with a hidden reliance on others for emotional validation. This form of codependency is frequently masked by societal praise for caretaking and selflessness, making it more difficult to detect and address.

What Causes Codependency

Codependency is generally understood to result from a combination of environmental, psychological, and relational factors, many of which stem from early life experiences. Below are some of the key causes of codependency, supported by relevant research:

1. Dysfunctional Family Dynamics

Codependency often develops in childhood, especially in families where there is dysfunction, such as substance abuse, mental illness, or neglect. In these environments, children may feel responsible for the well-being of their parents or siblings, taking on caretaking roles at an early age.
Beattie (2009) suggests that children in such families learn to suppress their own needs and emotions to maintain harmony and avoid conflict. This early role of “fixer” or “caretaker” can lead to the development of codependent behaviors in adult relationships.
Research by Wegscheider-Cruse (1989) indicates that family environments characterized by instability or addiction are breeding grounds for codependency. In these settings, children often adopt behaviors to compensate for the lack of emotional support, leading to adult relationships defined by over-dependence on others.

2. Trauma and Abuse

Individuals who experience trauma or abuse during childhood are more likely to develop codependent traits. In response to trauma, such as emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, individuals may learn to people-please as a way to ensure safety and avoid further harm.
According to Bradshaw (2005), childhood trauma can result in a deep-seated fear of abandonment, which is a common feature of codependency. Survivors of trauma may feel compelled to please others and avoid conflict at all costs to ensure they are not abandoned.
Studies like those conducted by Knudson-Martin and Huenergardt (2010) demonstrate that unresolved trauma can manifest in adulthood as difficulty in setting boundaries, leading to codependent relationship patterns.

3. Enmeshment and Lack of Boundaries

In enmeshed families, there are often blurred boundaries between family members, and children may become overly reliant on their parents for validation and emotional support. These families may lack healthy emotional separation, leading to dependence on others for approval and self-worth.
Whitfield (2003) emphasizes that a lack of clear boundaries in family systems teaches individuals that their sense of identity is tied to others’ approval, fostering codependent behaviors in future relationships. These individuals often struggle to assert their needs or develop a separate identity.
Research by Rosenberg (2014) highlights the role of enmeshment in creating an unhealthy focus on others’ needs, reinforcing codependent behaviors in adult life.

4. Parental Neglect or Emotional Unavailability

Codependency can also arise in families where parents are emotionally unavailable or neglectful. Children in such environments may seek to gain attention and approval by taking on adult responsibilities or becoming overly attuned to the emotional states of their parents. As these children become adults they may be tortured by Daddy or Mother wounds in a vicious cycle of repetition compulsion.
Fischer et al. (2011) found that children of neglectful or emotionally distant parents often grow up feeling that their worth is tied to how well they can meet the needs of others. This need for external validation is a hallmark of codependent relationships in adulthood.

5. Cultural and Societal Influences

Cultural expectations regarding gender roles, caretaking, and sacrifice can also contribute to the development of codependency. In societies where self-sacrifice and caretaking are highly valued, individuals—especially women—may feel pressure to prioritize others’ needs over their own, leading to codependent patterns.
According to Knudson-Martin and Huenergardt (2010), cultural norms that emphasize caregiving roles and emotional labor for women can exacerbate tendencies toward codependency, reinforcing the idea that one’s worth is tied to how much one does for others.

6. Fear of Abandonment

A fear of abandonment, which often stems from early childhood experiences of neglect, rejection, or inconsistent caregiving, can drive codependent behaviors. Individuals may go to great lengths to keep others close, often at the expense of their own emotional well-being.
Magnusson and Nock (2004) found that individuals with a heightened fear of abandonment are more likely to develop patterns of people-pleasing and over-reliance on others, as they are constantly seeking reassurance and security from external sources.

Signs of Codependency

Codependency is characterized by specific behavioral and emotional signs that often emerge in relationships where one person becomes excessively reliant on another for approval, validation, or support. Below are the key signs of codependency, supported by relevant research:

1. Excessive People-Pleasing

Codependent individuals tend to prioritize the needs of others over their own, often at the expense of their own well-being. They may fear rejection or disapproval if they don’t meet others’ expectations, leading them to constantly seek validation by pleasing others.
Beattie (2009) highlights that codependents derive their self-worth from how much they can give or do for others, often resulting in self-neglect and emotional burnout.

2. Poor Boundaries

Codependents frequently struggle with setting and maintaining healthy emotional or physical boundaries. They may feel responsible for other people’s feelings or problems, and they often find it difficult to say “no” to requests.
Knudson-Martin and Huenergardt (2010) explain that poor boundaries are a key indicator of codependency, as individuals often merge their own needs and identities with those of others, leading to an unhealthy level of enmeshment.

3. Caretaking and Enabling Behavior

One of the most noticeable signs of codependency is excessive caretaking. Codependent individuals often assume the role of the caretaker in their relationships, believing that their value lies in how well they take care of others. This can lead to enabling behaviors, such as supporting a partner’s harmful habits (e.g., addiction) rather than confronting them.
Wegscheider-Cruse (1989) points out that this form of enabling often perpetuates dysfunctional behavior, creating a cycle where the codependent person feels increasingly responsible for the other person’s issues.

4. Fear of Abandonment

A strong fear of being abandoned or rejected is a hallmark of codependency. Individuals with codependent tendencies may go to great lengths to maintain relationships, even if those relationships are unhealthy or abusive, because they fear being alone.
According to Bradshaw (2005), this fear of abandonment can lead to unhealthy attachment patterns, where the codependent person becomes overly dependent on their partner for emotional stability.

5. Difficulty Expressing Emotions

Codependents often have difficulty recognizing or expressing their own emotions. They may suppress their feelings to avoid conflict or displease others, which can lead to emotional numbness or detachment over time.
Rosenberg (2014) found that codependents are frequently disconnected from their own emotional needs, as they focus primarily on managing the emotions and needs of others, leading to internal emotional repression.

6. Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem is common in individuals with codependency. Their sense of self-worth is often tied to how much they can help or please others, leading to an inability to validate themselves internally. This can result in feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and shame.
Fischer et al. (2011) suggest that this low self-esteem is reinforced through patterns of over-reliance on others for validation, which exacerbates the sense of worthlessness when they feel they are not meeting others’ needs.

7. Obsessive Need for Control

Codependents often have an obsessive need to control situations or people to feel secure. This can manifest as micromanaging others’ lives, feeling anxious when things are out of their control, or constantly trying to “fix” others’ problems.
Research by Magnusson and Nock (2004) shows that codependents feel an overwhelming responsibility for others’ well-being, leading them to exert control over others as a way of managing their own anxiety.

8. Neglecting Personal Needs

A common sign of codependency is the consistent neglect of personal needs, goals, and desires. Codependents may put others’ needs above their own to the point that they lose touch with what they want or need in life, leading to a lack of fulfillment and personal growth.
Whitfield (2003) argues that personal neglect is a significant issue for codependents, as they are often unaware of how to meet their own needs after years of focusing solely on others.

9. Dependence on External Validation

Codependent individuals often rely on external sources for validation and approval, seeking constant reassurance from others. Their sense of self-worth is heavily influenced by how they are perceived by others, and they may feel anxious or depressed when they are not receiving positive feedback.
Rosenberg (2014) discusses how this dependence on external validation leads to unhealthy relational dynamics, where the codependent person sacrifices their autonomy to maintain approval from others.

Compulsive Need to be in a Relationship

Codependents often have an insatiable need to be in a relationship, feeling as though their self-worth depends on another person's affection or attention. Being alone feels unbearable, and as a result, codependent individuals may jump from one relationship to another without giving themselves time to heal or understand their personal needs. This desperation can drive them to tolerate unhealthy behaviors, such as emotional abuse or neglect, because they are more afraid of being abandoned than being mistreated.

Why is Codependency Unhealthy

Codependency creates unbalanced and unhealthy relationship dynamics, often involving narcissistic partners who exploit the codependent's willingness to give. These dynamics lead to chronic emotional strain, often exacerbating mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. Below are some of the major reasons:

1. Loss of Individual Identity

In a codependent relationship, individuals often lose their sense of self. The codependent person may prioritize the needs of others to the extent that they neglect their own emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Without a stable sense of self, the codependent is left feeling chronically empty and lonely, no matter how many relationships they engage in (Gibson, 2015). At its core, codependency is fueled by chronic loneliness, an emptiness that feels insurmountable. The codependent individual often clings to the other person because the alternative—being alone—feels like an existential threat.
Research highlights that this type of self-neglect can lead to feelings of confusion and diminished self-worth over time. Studies, such as those by Beattie (2009), argue that codependency erodes self-esteem, making it difficult for individuals to develop or maintain their personal identity.

2. Enabling Dysfunctional Behavior

According to Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, a recognized expert in the fields of codependency and co-addiction, trauma recovery, and teen and family counseling, codependents typically are attracted to pathological narcissists (2018).
Codependency often involves enabling harmful behaviors in the other person, such as addiction, irresponsibility, or lack of accountability. The codependent individual may avoid conflict and go to great lengths to maintain the status quo, even when it is harmful.
According to Wegscheider-Cruse (1989), enabling dysfunctional behaviors perpetuates unhealthy patterns and prevents both individuals in the relationship from growing or changing. This dynamic is particularly evident in relationships involving substance abuse or mental illness.

3. Emotional Exhaustion and Burnout

Constantly attending to another person’s emotional needs while neglecting your own can lead to emotional exhaustion, burnout, and even depression. Codependent individuals tend to suppress their feelings to avoid upsetting the other person, leading to long-term emotional and psychological strain.
Research on caregiver burnout, particularly in codependent relationships, shows that this suppression of needs leads to chronic stress and a higher risk of anxiety and depression (Fischer, et al., 2011).

4. Lack of Boundaries

Codependent relationships are often characterized by poor or nonexistent boundaries. The codependent person has difficulty saying “no,” which can lead to feeling overwhelmed, taken advantage of, or resentful.
Boundary issues in codependent relationships are highlighted in studies on relational dynamics, such as Knudson-Martin and Huenergardt (2010), which discuss how the lack of boundaries impairs emotional health and fosters dependency rather than autonomy.

5. Limited Emotional Growth

The over-focus on the needs of the other person in codependency can inhibit emotional growth in both partners. The codependent individual often avoids conflict or uncomfortable emotions, which stifles emotional development and problem-solving skills.
Research by Whitfield (2003) points out that emotional growth is limited in codependent relationships, as one or both parties avoid facing personal challenges or emotional discomfort, preventing progress and healing.

6. Harmful Impact on Mental Health

Codependency can exacerbate mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. Individuals in codependent relationships often experience chronic worry, fear of abandonment, and a need for approval, which contribute to negative mental health outcomes.
According to Magnusson and Nock (2004), these relationships often result in feelings of helplessness, and the constant need to be validated or needed can worsen existing mental health problems.
Codependency is living inauthentically and therefore leads to a multi-year build up of toxic shame. Toxic shame can often manifest covertly as chronic illness, troubles sleeping, general fatigue, etc… *See essay on Toxic Shame: Soul Killer

Healing from Codependency

Healing from codependency involves a combination of self-awareness, therapy, and the development of healthy relationship patterns. The first step in healing from codependency is to reconnect with one’s authentic self. Below are some evidence-based strategies and practices, supported by research, that can help in the recovery from codependency:

1. Therapeutic Interventions

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one of the most recommended methods for individuals struggling with codependency. CBT helps people identify and change distorted thought patterns and behaviors that contribute to their codependent behaviors. Through CBT, individuals learn to set boundaries and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Research by Lynch et al. (2012) indicates that CBT effectively helps in restructuring dysfunctional thoughts, enabling individuals to regain autonomy and establish healthier relationships. It is particularly useful in breaking the cycle of enabling behaviors that perpetuate codependent relationships.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a type of talk therapy for people who experience emotions very intensely. DBT focuses on helping people accept the reality of their lives and their behaviors, as well as helping them learn to change their lives, including their unhelpful behaviors.

2. Building Self-Esteem

Develop a separate strong sense of identity. Start with what are your core values that will help combat unhealthy coping mechanisms like impulsivity, self-sabotaging behavior, repetition compulsion, etc… This requires spending time alone, away from the influence of others, to rediscover personal values, interests, and desires. By focusing on what truly matters to them, codependents can begin to reclaim their individuality.
Low self-esteem is a core feature of codependency. Recovery involves working on building a positive self-image and cultivating self-compassion. Engaging in self-care practices, setting personal goals, and celebrating achievements, no matter how small, can help improve self-worth.
According to Rosenberg (2014), codependency is often rooted in feelings of inadequacy or a desire for approval from others. Working on self-esteem is critical in detaching from the need for external validation, which is a key step toward healing.

3. Developing Healthy Boundaries

*In order to set boundaries you have to have a strong sense of identity.

Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial in overcoming codependency. This involves learning to say “no” without guilt and asserting personal needs. Clear boundaries help - Knudson-Martin and Huenergardt (2010) discuss how boundary-setting is an essential skill in recovery, allowing codependent individuals to reduce enmeshment and establish more balanced, healthy relationships.

4. Engagement in Support Groups

Support groups such as Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) provide a safe space for individuals to share their experiences and struggles with codependency. Support groups foster community, reducing feelings of isolation and allowing individuals to learn from others in similar situations.
Studies by Tonigan et al. (2013) show that 12-step programs like CoDA help individuals gain perspective on their behaviors, find mutual support, and develop strategies for healthier relationships. These groups encourage accountability, which is beneficial for sustained recovery.

5. Emotional Regulation and Mindfulness Practices

Healing from codependency often involves learning how to manage overwhelming emotions. Mindfulness practices such as meditation and emotional regulation techniques help individuals become more aware of their emotional states without being consumed by them. This awareness aids in recognizing codependent behaviors and responding with healthier choices.
Shapiro et al. (2008) found that mindfulness-based interventions significantly improve emotional regulation, reduce anxiety, and increase self-awareness, making them valuable tools for individuals working through codependent tendencies.

6. Focus on Personal Growth and Independence

Codependent individuals often lose themselves in their relationships. To heal, it is important to rediscover personal interests, hobbies, and goals that are independent of others. Focusing on personal growth enables individuals to reclaim their sense of identity and autonomy.
Whitfield (2003) emphasizes the importance of rediscovering one’s individuality and personal passions as a critical step in overcoming codependency. This approach allows individuals to develop a life that is fulfilling and self-directed.

7. Therapeutic Support for Underlying Issues

Often, codependency stems from unresolved childhood trauma, such as growing up in dysfunctional or neglectful families. Therapy that addresses these root causes—such as trauma-informed therapy or family systems therapy—can help in processing unresolved emotions and breaking generational cycles of codependency.
Bradshaw (2005) suggests that healing from codependency requires not only addressing current relational patterns but also understanding the impact of early family dynamics that may have contributed to the development of codependent tendencies.

Conclusion

Codependency is a complex and often misunderstood relational dynamic that can deeply affect a person's emotional, mental, and physical well-being. By understanding the signs, origins, and consequences of codependency, individuals can begin the journey toward healing and reclaiming their sense of self. Through authenticity, emotional interdependence, and professional support, it is possible to break free from the harmful patterns of codependency and cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

References

Beattie, M. (2009). Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Hazelden Publishing.

Bradshaw, J. (2005). Healing the Shame that Binds You. Health Communications, Inc.

Gibson, L. (2015). Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. New Harbinger Publications.

Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press.

Smith, T., & Newman, R. (2014). Perfectionism and Relationship Dysfunction: The Overlap with Codependency. Psychology Today, 65(1), 25-32.

Timberlake, T. (2019). Codependency and Emotional Dysregulation: Unpacking the Origins of Dysfunctional Relationship Patterns. Journal of Psychology & Mental Health, 44(2), 141-154.

Fischer, L. R., & Elnitsky, C. (2011). Caregiving and codependency: How to be strong and maintain boundaries. Journal of Psychological Research.

Knudson-Martin, C., & Huenergardt, D. (2010). Fostering healthy relationships: Addressing boundary issues in codependency. Journal of Family Therapy.

Magnusson, K., & Nock, M. K. (2004). Codependency and its link to mental health challenges. Journal of Clinical Psychology.

Wegscheider-Cruse, S. (1989). Understanding Codependency: The Science Behind Dysfunctional Relationships. HCI Books.

Whitfield, C. (2003). Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. Health Communications Inc.

Lynch, T. R., et al. (2012). Cognitive-behavioral therapy for emotional regulation in codependency. Clinical Psychology Review, 32(2), 123-136.

Rosenberg, R. (2018). The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us. The Rosenberg Publishing Group.

Shapiro, S. L., Carlson, L. E., Astin, J. A., & Freedman, B. (2008). Mechanisms of mindfulness. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 64(5), 625-645.

Tonigan, J. S., Connors, G. J., & Miller, W. R. (2013). Effectiveness of 12-step programs in treating codependency and substance abuse. Alcohol Research & Health, 25(2), 33-41.